Sporadic Humour

Men lie honourably...

"One day, while a woodcutter w.as cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Sometime later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked..

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE , You would have come up with AISHWARYA RAI. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife . Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE ."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others

(nice one Shane! ;)

Immutable Truths

9 Immutable Truths

 
 
Number 9
Life is sexually transmitted.
 
Number 8
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
 
Number 7
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .
 
Number 6
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years
 
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.
 
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
 
Number 3
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
 
Number 2
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
 
Number 1
Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long.

The Rules

Thanks Shane - I seem to recall these being read out at my wedding... :/

Begin forwarded message:

The Rules by which Females are Governed

The FEMALE always makes the rules.

The RULES are subject to change at any time without prior notification...by the FEMALE.

No MALE can possibly know all the RULES.

If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows all the RULES, she must immediately change some or all of them.

The FEMALE is never wrong.

If the FEMALE is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the MALE did or said wrong.

The MALE must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstandings.

The FEMALE may change her mind at any time.

The MALE must never change his mind without the express written consent of the FEMALE.

The FEMALE has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

The MALE must remain calm at all times, unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry or upset.

The FEMALE must, under no circumstances, let the MALE know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

The Male is expected to "mind read" at all times.

The MALE who doesn't abide by THE RULES; can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp!

Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.

The FEMALE is ready when SHE is ready.

The MALE must be ready at ALL times
 

The war of the sexes...

been a while since we had some these! :D

Training for Women!!!
Women think they already know everything, but wait...
training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First

8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His

20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

21. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have

22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

Inner peace

I'm passing this on because it worked for me today. A doc on TV said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start & we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum...

(mmm... I think I'd better send someone round to check on my brother-in-law...)

The perfect golf shot

Dave stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity.

He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner Ray asked, "What is taking so long? You're making me and everybody behind us crazy." 
 
"My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony" Dave explained. "I want to make a perfect shot." 
 
His companion Ray said, "You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here."

{Brent, you do send through some gems sometimes! ;) }

South African Department of Labour (truth in humour?)

The South African Department of Labour claimed a small Robertson farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

Department of Labour Representative: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Farmer: "Well, there's my farm hand who's been with me for 30 years. I pay him R1 400 a week plus free room and board."
"Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours a day, seven days a week and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about R100 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of brandy every Saturday night so he can cope with life”.

Department of Labour Representative: "That's the guy I want to talk to...the mentally challenged one."

Farmer: "That would be me."

dis 'n lekker taal ne?

seen on Twiiter today:

RT @stephenfry Go to Google Translator, translate "choose my side" into Afrikaans. Yes it really is pronounced exactly as you suspect.

box office hits

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual 
Information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc. 

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew 
Take you safely to Afghanistan ' 

An old Master Sergeant sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? ' 

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?' 
'Yes,'! Said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think 
With only women up there in the cockpit.' 

'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 
'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit' 

'It's The Box Office.'



Quote of the day:
'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. 
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. 
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. 
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. 
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. 
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. 
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'    
Women are Angels. And when someone breaks our wings, 
We simply continue to fly.....on a broomstick. 
We are flexible like that.

Newton

one for the geeks among you...

Newton, Pascal, and Einstein are playing hide-and-go-seek in heaven.Einstein closes his eyes and starts counting.Pascal goes and hides behind a cloud.Newton stays where he is, and draws a 1mx1m square on the floor around him.Einstein finishes counting and turns around."Ah ha, Newton! I found you!""No you haven't, you've found one Newton over 1m2 . . . You found Pascal."