Sporadic Humour

Chili Cook Cff

> > Chili Cook Off >
> If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the
> third judge is even better. >
> For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
> They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes
> around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San
> Antonio City Park . Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster
> named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL > ---------------------------------------------------------------- > Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
> chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
> moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table
> asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came
> in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the
> chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could
> have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." >
> Here are the scorecard notes from the event: >
> ***************************************************** >
> > CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI... >
> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. >
> Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. >
> Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You
> could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to
> put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are
> crazy. >
> ***************************************************** >
> CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI... >
> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. >
> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
> seriously. >
> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
> what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
> people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush
> in more beer when they saw the look on my face. >
> ***************************************************** >
> CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI... >
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. > Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers. > Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
> feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
> now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
> back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
> drunk from all of the beer. >
> ***************************************************** >
> CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC... >
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. >
> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
> fish or other mild foods not much of a chili. >
> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
> unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally,
> the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-
> LB woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm
> eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? >
> ***************************************************** >
> CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER... >
> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
> adding considerable kick. Very impressive. >
> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
> admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. >
> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
> and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind
> me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
> that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
> bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder
> if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other
> judges asked me to stop screaming. >
> ***************************************************** >
> CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY... >
> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
> of spices and peppers. >
> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
> garlic. Superb. >
> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
> gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped myself when I farted, and I'm
> worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to
> stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
> need to wipe my rearend with a snow cone. >
> ***************************************************** >
> CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI... >
> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
> peppers. >
> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
> of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
> worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as
> he is cursing uncontrollably. >
> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
> I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
> sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
> chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
> lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know
> what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful.
> I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it
> in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. >
> ***************************************************** >
> CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI... >
> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
> too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. >
> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
> mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
> farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top
> of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder
> how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? >
> Judge # 3 - No Report >

Fwd: Humor?

> > Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test. The
> doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," is
> his reply. >
> The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to
> the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" >
> "Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor shakes his head sadly,
> then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?" >
> "Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How
> did you get that?" "Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from
> Tuesday."

swine flu

> There is an email circulating, warning people to avoid tinned pork
> products due the swine flue epidemic, please ignore this, there is
> no health risk, it's just spam!

Kredit Krunch solved

> > It is August. In a small town on the South Coast of France, holiday > season is in full swing, but it is raining so there is not too much > business happening. > Everyone is heavily in debt. > Luckily, a rich Russian tourist arrives in the foyer of the small
> local hotel. > He asks for a room and puts a Euro100 note on the reception counter, > takes a key and goes to inspect the room located up the stairs on the > third floor. > The hotel owner takes the banknote in a hurry and rushes to his meat > supplier to whom he owes E100. > The butcher takes the money and races to his supplier to pay his debt. > The wholesaler rushes to the farmer to pay E100 for pigs he purchased > some time ago. > The farmer triumphantly gives the E100 note to a local prost it ute
> who > gave him her services on cred it . > The prost it ute goes quickly to the hotel, as she was owing the
> hotel for > her hourly room use to entertain clients. > At that moment, the rich Russian is coming down to reception and
> informs > the hotel owner that the proposed room is unsatisfactory and takes his > E100 back and departs. > There was no prof it or income. > But everyone no longer has any debt and the small townspeople look > optimistically towards their future. >
> COULD THIS BE THE SOLUTION TO THE Global Financial Crisis?

Truths

> GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: > 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. > 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. > 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch
> the second person. > 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. > 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. > 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. > 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. > 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. > 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. >
> > GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: > 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree. > 2) Wrinkles don't hurt. > 3) Families are like fudge..mostly sweet, with a few nuts. > 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. > 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. > 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the
> toy. >
> >
> GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD > 1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. > 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. > 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're
> down there. > 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
> chair that you once got from a roller coaster. >
> 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody
> bothers to ask you the questions. > 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. > 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone. >
> >
> THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE: > 1) You believe in Santa Claus. > 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. > 3) You are Santa Claus. > 4) You look like Santa Claus. >
> > SUCCESS: > At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants. > At age 12 success is . . . having friends. > At age 17 success is . having a drivers license. > At age 35 success is . . having money. > At age 50 success is . . having money. > At age 70 success is . . .. having a drivers license. > At age 75 success is . . having friends. > At age 80 success is . . not piddling in your pants. >
> >

the return of the headbangers...

> >
> Friend >
> A man and his wife were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
> they were in bed. He turned to her and said, "Do you want to have
> sex?" >
> "No," she answered. >
> I then said, "Is that your final answer?" >
> She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." >
> So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." >
> And then the fight started.... >
> *************************************************************** >
> Librarians >
> A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The
> librarian says, " > Absolutely not, you won't bring it back." >
> **************************************************************** >
> That's how it works? >
> When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
> realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and
> asked him to forgive me >
> ****************************************************************** >
> Alcoholic Sandwich >
> A sandwich walks into a bar. >
> The bartender says, "We don't serve food here." >
> ****************************************************************** >
> Atoms >
> Two atoms walking down the street happen to collide into one
> another. The first one exclaims, "Oh no! I think I've lost an
> electron!" "Are you sure?" says the second atom. "Yes, I'm positive!" >
> Just then, a chlorine atom walks up to them and says, "Yeah? I'm the
> one who took your electron. You gonna try to take it back?" "No, I
> don't want to be reduced to your level." >
> Two electrons walked into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a
> gin and tonic." The second one goes: "Damn! I wanted a gin and tonic!" >
> A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. He asks the bar
> tender what his tab comes to and the bartender says, "For you,
> there's no charge." >
> > ************************************************************************ >
> Two ropes walk into a bar >
> Two ropes walk in to a bar, one rope calls the bartender and says
> “Barkeep, let me get a couple of beers.” The bartender says “I’m
> sorry we dont serve ropes in here.” Frustrated the ropes walk out
> and, since this was the only bar in town, they thought about it a
> little while when finally one rope says “I’ve got an idea.” So he
> gets him self into a bind and frizzles his ends and walks back into
> the bar and says “Barkeep, can I get a couple of beers.” The barkeep
> says “Sure, but aren’t you those same two ropes that came in here
> earlier?” The rope answers “Nope, I’m a frayed knot.” >
> ************************************************************************ >
> The mechanic hooked on brake fluid >
> A mechanic goes into his doctor and says that he's addicted to
> drinking brake fluid. "On the other hand", he says "I can stop any
> time I want." >
> ************************************************************************ >

Fwd: Why parents drink

OK. I know I've had a sense of humour loss of late. Time to remedy that and pass on some gems from Brent Coy - thanks Brent! Dave

> Why Parents Drink >
> A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his
> bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
> Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to
> 'Dad.' >
> With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling
> hands and read the letter. >
> Dear Dad: >
> It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
> elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with
> Mom and you. >
> I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. >
> But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing,
> tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much
> older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. >
> Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the
> woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a
> dream of having many more children. >
> Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really
> hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with
> the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. >
> In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS
> so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.. >
> Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. >
> Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get
> to know your grandchildren. >
> Love, Your Son John >
> > PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. >
> I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than
> a Report card That's in my center desk drawer. >
> I love you. >
> Call me when it's safe to come home. >

Fwd: Circular -

> I usually don't pass along these 'add your name' lists, but this
> one is too important, it has now passed through South Africa for 25
> weeks. >
> To show your support for Jacob Zuma and encourage him on his run for
> President, please add your name to the rapidly growing list below
> and send it on. >
> 1. Julius Malema > 2. >
>

Email thread HOWTO.

This was posted to IOZ today after a relatively innocuous mail to the list this week had evoked some heated exchanges and spawned at least 3 other threads. Very insightful!

Begin forwarded message: >
> > This is a howto, to keep a thread going for ever, thought > Id type this up before heading off for an ale, it is friday. > Ps. If this thread is still going next week, I rest my case. >
> Subject: The injustices found anywhere. >
> To make sure any thread prevails, follow these > easy to grasp principles. >
> Required:... > 1.) At least four sensible replies, otherwise the thread > has no merit, if you not sensible, and can't > shutup, continue below. > 2.) A few trolls, there are no known ways of > detecting and destroying, so like monkeys, > if you don't feed them, they go away. > 3.) A poignant attack on the posters character, > thereby ensuring an anastigmatic reply. > 4.) The anastigmatic arouses bystanders to support > the anastigmatic reply. > 5.) This then arouses reactions from the associates > who are apposed to trivial posting, however > feel compelled to chastise the frivolity of the > thread. > 6.) One of the sensible replies asks the group to > get back to the original subject. > 7.) The supposed issue spins of commentary of the > real issue. > 8.) The alpha males need to comment on the above > to keep up appearances, thereby annoying those > actually interested in the subject. > 9.) The alpha males discover they not alone, then > need to subsequently subdue them, on the > only available platform, the thread. > 10.) The character assassin replies with a post > so laden with acronyms everyone needs to > Google for at least ten minutes before sending > off a reply. > 10.) The replies are so long winded, the replies further > extend that into a marathon. > 11.) 4pm Friday arrives, everyone looses interest, and > joins colleges for an ale. > 12.) Trolls then move onto greener pasture, alpha males > get back to roaming, the rest wonder how to make > a living off this crazy industry. >
> > Tadaaaa....

Brains of Britain

> Brains of Britain - they walk among us! >
> >
> UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2) > Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and
> 'cheesemongers'? > Contestant: Homosexuals. > Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be
> very upset with you >
> >
> > BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2) > Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is? > Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point. > Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title. > Contestant: > Leicester >
> >
> > BBC NORFOLK > Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World? > Contestant: I don't know. > Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part
> between your hand and your elbow? > Contestant: Arm > Stewart White: Correct And if you're not weak, you're...? > Contestant: Strong. > Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name? > Contestant: Louis > Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit
> with the song What A Wonderful World? > Contestant: Frank Sinatra? >
> >
> LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS) > Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ? > Contestant: France. > Trelinski: France is another country. Try again. > Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm. > Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which
> country is the Parthenon? > Contestant: Sorry, I don't know. > Trelinski: Just guess a country then. > Contestant: Paris. >
> >
> > THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2) > Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all
> written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the
> Conservative Party? > Contestant: The Conservative Party. >
> >
> BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON ) > DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope? > Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish? >
> >
> UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE > Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name? > Contestant: Goosey? >
> >
> GWR FM ( Bristol ) > Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ? > Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then. >
> >
> > PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO???MANCHESTER) > Phil: What's 11 squared? > Contestant: I don't know. > Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle. > Contestant: Is it five? >
> >
> >
> RICHARD AND JUDY > Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman? > Contestant: Forrest Gump. >
> >
> RICHARD AND JUDY > Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live? > Contestant: Er. .. .. > Richard: He makes bread . . . > Contestant: Er . .... > Richard: He makes cakes . . . > Contestant: Kipling Street? >
> >
> LINCS FM PHONE-IN > Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world? > Contestant: Barcelona. > Presenter: I was really after the name of a country. > Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in
> Spain . >
> >
> > NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1) > Question: What is the world's largest continent? > Contestant: The Pacific. >
> >
> > ROCK FM ( PRESTON ) > Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of
> a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci. > Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit? >
> >
> > THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV) > Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in
> 1918? > Contestant: Magna Carta? >
> >
> JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC) > James O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry? > Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER.
> ER ... Three? >
> >
> >
> CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL ) > Chris Searle: In which European country isMount Etna? > Caller: Japan. > Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you
> didn't hear that, I can let you try again. > Caller: Er ..... Mexico ? >
> >
> > PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE ) > Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel
> last? > Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days. >
> >
> DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO) > Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels? > Contestant: Holland? > Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet. > Contestant: Iceland? Ireland ? > Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ? > Contestant: No. >
> >
> > PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR) > Phil Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible? > Contestant: Er. ... .. > Phil Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . > Contestant: Blimey? > Phil Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .. > Contestant: (Silence) > Phil Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . . > Contestant: Walked? >
> >
> THE VAULT > Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the
> sufferer can fall asleep at any time? > Contestant: Nostalgia. >
> >
> > LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB) > Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes? > Contestant: Jewish. > Presenter: That's close enough. >
> >
> STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2) > Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging
> character clad only in a loin cloth did he play? > Contestant: Jesus. >
> >
> >
> >
> >
>