Sporadic Humour

a dyslexic bank robber...

... walks into a bank & hands the teller a note which reads:

"Air in the hands motherstickers! ths is a f***up!".

humour

Headbanger of the day

Question:
What is the volume of a pizza with radius Z & thickness A ?

Answer:
pi ZZ A

humour

To keep the cold out!

> > . >
> > A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship & orders a Scotch with two
> drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,'I'm
> on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...' >
> The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a
> drink. In fact, this one's on me.' >
> As the woman finishes her drink, a woman to her right says, 'I'd
> like to buy you a drink, too.' >
> The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two
> drops of water.' >
> 'Coming up,' says the bartender. >
> As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like
> to buy you one, too.' >
> The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch
> with two drops of water.' >
> 'Coming right up,' the bartender says. >
> As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.
> Why the Scotch & only two drops of water?' >
> The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned
> how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole
> other issue.' >
> >
> > 'OLD' IS WHEN... > Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs & make love,' and you answer, > 'Pick one; I can't do both!' >
> 'OLD' IS WHEN... > Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes & you're
> barefoot. >
> 'OLD' IS WHEN... > A sexy babe catches your fancy & your pacemaker opens the garage door. >
> >
> 'OLD' IS WHEN... > Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. >
> >
> 'OLD' IS WHEN... > You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't
> have to go along. >
> 'OLD' IS WHEN... > You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police >
> >
> 'OLD' IS WHEN... > 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fibre
> today. >
> 'OLD' IS WHEN... > 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot. >
> 'OLD' IS WHEN... > An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom. >
> AND >
> 'OLD' IS WHEN... > Too many of these are no longer jokes

Beware of older men - they only get wiser!

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday..

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but

how old do you think I am

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the

very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her

way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning

question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her

the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young

there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your

bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of

her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very

slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,

'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?

'I promise I won't' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

humour

Washington Post neologisms

Washington Post has a yearly neologism contest, in which readers are
asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), a condition in which you absentmindedly answer
the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that,
when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. ( that one got extra credit)

9. Karmageddon (n): Its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Rare photo of the 1940 Tour de France

humour

50 dollars

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year,

And every year Morris would say,

'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied,

'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars,

And fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,

'Esther, I'm 85 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied,

'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word
I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,

'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out,
but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied,

'Well, to tell you the truth,

I almost said something when Esther fell out,

But you know,

fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

humour

The shortest fairy tale ever.

(With thanks to Shane who may just be sleeping on the couch tonight...)

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl: “Will you marry me?”

The girl said: “NO!”

......and the guy lived happily ever after

and rode motorcycles

and went fishing and hunting

and played golf a lot

and drank beer and scotch

and had tons of money in the bank

and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End

Drive through ATM

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM
machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their
vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

******************************* MALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Put down your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Put window up. 7. Drive off.

******************************* FEMALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with
the machine. 3. Set hand brake, put the window down. 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate
card. 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up. 6. Attempt to insert card into machine. 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its
excessive distance from the car. 8. Insert card. 9. Re-insert card the right way. 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the
inside back page. 11. Enter PIN. 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 13. Enter amount of cash required. 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror. 15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside. 17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
chequebook. 18. Re-check makeup. 19. Drive forward 2 feet. 20. Reverse back to cash machine. 21. Retrieve card. 22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
provided! 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you. 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 25. Redial person on cell phone. 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. 27. Release hand brake.

what make you coloured.

With apologies to those who've never lived and worked in Cape Town for
whom this may be a bit obscure.

For all those proudly coloured mense who can relate!

If you take offence. Then you not coloured.. Tsek. You know you coloured when... If you used to stand outside Rascass in your convertible BMW while its
4 degrees outside, just so the kinnis coming out can see you, then you
might be coloured.

If 19 inch to you means the rims on your car, you might be coloured.

If your car can't go over speed bumps or you can't visit some of your
friends because you can't get up their drive-way, you might be coloured.

If you have gold teeth, you may be coloured.

If you used to wake up early on a Saturday morning to paint your
purcells white before going to Vibe, you may be coloured.

If you meet a foreigner, and the first thing you wanna do is teach him
to say "jou ma se..." you might be a coloured.

If you have ever gone to bed with a swirl kous on your head...you
might be a coloured.

If you've ever had a polony gatsby cut in four and a litre fruilaatie
then you might be coloured.

If you use the word "woelag ","awe", "Duidelik" and "HO$H"... you
might be a coloured.

If your parents call your friends by their nicknames like Kos , Brood,
Sloffies, Goppie and The Moor... you might be a coloured.

If your hair isn't straight and u still can make spikes....you might
be a coloured.

If u can eat a gatsby without messing on your purcells... u might be a
coloured.

If you organise a trip to the beach and you take a whole pot of
breyani and half the contents of your house with... you might be a
coloured.

If u walked to Arena from the taxi rank in Cape Town in a bomber
jacket and don't take it off till you got home with sweat marks under
your arms and back... u might be a coloured.

If you ever practiced dancing in the mirror before going to a jol....
you might be a coloured.

If your car sounds like it's speeding down the road, but it's only
pulling out of the driveway, then you might be coloured.

If you go into Edgars Red Square and spray you before meeting that
kind by the movies... you might be a coloured.

If your mother threatened u with a hout lepel before.... you might be
coloured.

If you eat warm breyani and cold chicken at a wedding with that
bakkies of ice-cream for dessert... then u might be at a coloured
wedding.

If your mommy take cold chicken and koesiesters and a flask coffee/tea
and cream crackers with cheese to the beach , then you coloured!

If you smaak boentjie kerrie more then your girlfriend...then you
might be a coloured.

If you still got a Pepe dungaree in your cupboard... you might be a
colored.

And if you laughed while reading this...

YOU ARE DEFINITELY COLOURED......!!!